OK, I admit I haven’t posted a blog to here in a long while. But, I felt obliged to share an experience with the world in the hopes of helping out him or her in the future.
The last few weeks I’ve been slowly making my way from the Eastern Seaboard to the Southwest, with plenty of stops along the way. From New York City to Albuquerque, N.M., I drove 3200 miles in a period of two weeks. Whether be the long days on the road or whatever, I noticed a pea sized lump under my skin in my left inguinal region — upper inside thigh near me nutsack.
I thought a pimple? Who knows. As the days progressed, the lump grow to the size of a robin egg. What the hell, I thought. I’m I getting a hernia?
Five days after it first began, the lump was now large than an egg. I was walking bowlegged, the skin the chaffing, and the skin broke leaving a quarter-sized fleshy wound… but still highly pressurized and not leaking.
It was called a sebacious cyst, likely caused by an ingrown hair that blocked the follicle and caused an infection.
Now the good part.
When I felt my junk down there, it felt like I had triple testicles. No shit. It finally popped Sunday afternoon, five days after it’s appearance, when I was watching the New Mexico Symphony Orchestra in concert. Seriously, if it didn’t by after the concert, my next stop was University Hospital ER.
After it popped, it felt like I just had a wet dream…. I thought Beethoven’s Missa Solemnis , the greatest work of all time in my opinion, made me splooge my pants. Afterall the music did move me to teary eyes, shuddering spine and uncontrollable emotion… so I thought it possible…
Nope, it was just my growth — my cyst — rupturing and splooging forth oils, pus, blood and some dark matter. THANKFULLY, I wore extra gauze that day to soak it up. In retrospect, I should have just bought a heavy days Maxi Pad with Wings (r) and slapped that bitch on there.
Anyway, the pressure was relieved greatly, and I finally could make it to a doctor’s appointment on Monday.
The next day, the doctor injected numbing stuff around the inflammed half-dollar sized fleshy area to numb the localized area — oh man, that fucking killed!!! Then he cleaned the wound, pushed more gunk out of the cyst, and stuck a bunch of dressing, which is a thin strip of gauze, through the tiny pus hole into the breeding chamber of this pustule. He remarked “you’ve got a gaping hole in there.”
When he bandaged the whole area and I got up, I swear the exam bed and crisp sheet underneath my bottom was covered and was soaked with clear and red liquids — and there were chunky fleshy matter there too. It looked like someone dumped a quart of liquid on the bed, that’s how much liquid was there….. Because stirups were still up, if some random person walked in, and saw that junk on the bed, he or she would have thought an abortion was just performed, and the dead embryo was still lying there in effigy.
I had nightmares that night of my left ball rolling out through the hole and me holding it in hand running to the ER.
The next day, I went back to the docs office where I anticipated he would remove all that gauze from the tiny hole that was about .5mm wide without local anethetic … so I took 1500 mg of Acetomenophin (tylenol). That shit did not fucking help one BIT.
As I sat in a supine position, legs spreadeagle… the doc remarked, “ahh, this is going to hurt.” silence. “I’m so sorry.” Then he ripped the bandage tape off… I yelped. Then thought “that wasn’t so bad. Whew!”
Nope. The next five minutes of my life was probably the most intense pain that I’ve ever felt as he pulled about two feet of sterile dressing that was now gunked with pus, blood and white fluid out of my body through a minuscule hole in my body. I was grunting, gnashing my teeth, clenching my fist — I looked down to see a long strand of the shit in the air and nearly passed out.
<Massive expletives here>
So, today, the wound has just about stopped draining, but I still have to keep bandage on it. I can probably place a big ass Band-aid on it now.
Well… Time for dinner.
Note: Anyone want to see a picture?
